They put the wrong name in the news report.
They said the police are looking for Christina Randall. My name was never Randall. Bill and Eleanor were never my parents. My name is Christie Waterman.
I'm leaving. I can't stay here. Not with the police and the Cold Boy and the Wooden Girl all after me.
I know nobody reads this. Nobody cares. There's nobody waiting for me outside my Wall. But I'm going anyway. And anybody who tries to stop me, just remember what I did to Bill and Eleanor. I'll do it again.
I'm not going to be the next Wooden Girl.
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall
After all, it's not easy
Banging your heart on some mad bugger's Wall
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Trial
They're dead. I killed them both. And I made them suffer for it.
I'm not sorry.
But I'm not like them. I'm not.
The Wooden Girl doesn't control me.
The Cold Boy doesn't hold me.
I only did what they did to me. That's fair.
The Worms don't control me. I don't have to let them. I tore them out, one by one by one. And then I spat in her face.
She told me that she was disappointed. She said she wanted me to be her next carrier. I told her to go fuck herself. She said she would never really leave me. The Worms ate into my brain.
She said she'd be back.
I said fine. I won't be here.
I'm leaving.
Good morning, Worm, Your Honor!
The crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed showing feelings
Showing feelings of an almost human nature
This will not do
Call the schoolmaster
I always said he'd come to no good in the end, Your Honor
If they'd let me have my way, I could've flayed 'im into shape
But my hands were tied
The bleeding hearts and artists let 'im get away with murder
Let me hammer him today
The evidence before the court is incontrovertible
There's no need for the jury to retire
In all my years of judging I have never heard before
Of someone more deserving of the full penalty of law
The way you made them suffer, your exquisite wife and mother
Fills me with the urge to defecate
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest Fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
TEAR DOWN THE WALL
I'm not sorry.
But I'm not like them. I'm not.
The Wooden Girl doesn't control me.
The Cold Boy doesn't hold me.
I only did what they did to me. That's fair.
The Worms don't control me. I don't have to let them. I tore them out, one by one by one. And then I spat in her face.
She told me that she was disappointed. She said she wanted me to be her next carrier. I told her to go fuck herself. She said she would never really leave me. The Worms ate into my brain.
She said she'd be back.
I said fine. I won't be here.
I'm leaving.
Good morning, Worm, Your Honor!
The crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed showing feelings
Showing feelings of an almost human nature
This will not do
Call the schoolmaster
I always said he'd come to no good in the end, Your Honor
If they'd let me have my way, I could've flayed 'im into shape
But my hands were tied
The bleeding hearts and artists let 'im get away with murder
Let me hammer him today
The evidence before the court is incontrovertible
There's no need for the jury to retire
In all my years of judging I have never heard before
Of someone more deserving of the full penalty of law
The way you made them suffer, your exquisite wife and mother
Fills me with the urge to defecate
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest Fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
TEAR DOWN THE WALL
Stop
I wanna go home
Take off this uniform and leave the show
I'm waiting in this cell because I have to know
Have I been guilty all this time?
Take off this uniform and leave the show
I'm waiting in this cell because I have to know
Have I been guilty all this time?
Waiting For The Worms
I did it. I won.
It's Bill's turn to be cuffed to the chair. It's Eleanor's turn to be tied to the bed. It's my turn to hurt them.
I don't care if the Worms are coming out of my skin. It's my choice. I'm the one doing this. I want to do this. They deserve it. It's the right choice.
It's not the puppet girl pulling my strings. She's not real.
I'm not like them.
You cannot reach me now, no matter how you try
Goodbye cruel world, it's over
Walk on by
Sitting in a bunker here behind my Wall
Waiting for the Worms to come
In perfect isolation here behind my Wall
Waiting for the Worms to come
(Waiting)
To cut out the deadwood
(Waiting)
To clean up the city
(Waiting)
To follow the worms
(Waiting)
To put on a black shirt
(Waiting)
To weed out the weaklings
(Waiting)
To smash in their windows and kick in their doors
(Waiting)
For the final solution to strengthen the strain
(Waiting)
To follow the Worms
(Waiting)
To turn on the showers, to fire the ovens
(Waiting)
For the queers and the coons and the reds and the Jews
(Waiting)
To follow the Worms
Would you like to see Britannia rule again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the Worms
Would you like to send our colored cousins home again?
All you need to do is follow the Worms
It's Bill's turn to be cuffed to the chair. It's Eleanor's turn to be tied to the bed. It's my turn to hurt them.
I don't care if the Worms are coming out of my skin. It's my choice. I'm the one doing this. I want to do this. They deserve it. It's the right choice.
It's not the puppet girl pulling my strings. She's not real.
I'm not like them.
You cannot reach me now, no matter how you try
Goodbye cruel world, it's over
Walk on by
Sitting in a bunker here behind my Wall
Waiting for the Worms to come
In perfect isolation here behind my Wall
Waiting for the Worms to come
(Waiting)
To cut out the deadwood
(Waiting)
To clean up the city
(Waiting)
To follow the worms
(Waiting)
To put on a black shirt
(Waiting)
To weed out the weaklings
(Waiting)
To smash in their windows and kick in their doors
(Waiting)
For the final solution to strengthen the strain
(Waiting)
To follow the Worms
(Waiting)
To turn on the showers, to fire the ovens
(Waiting)
For the queers and the coons and the reds and the Jews
(Waiting)
To follow the Worms
Would you like to see Britannia rule again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the Worms
Would you like to send our colored cousins home again?
All you need to do is follow the Worms
Run Like Hell
I'm doing it. I got out of the bedroom when they locked me in to leave to go to the store. I've gotten onto Bill's computer. I've got everything ready.
I've got all weekend. I've got all their food and all their knives and all his belts.
It's their turn to hurt.
You'd better make your face up in your favorite disguise
With your button-down lips and your roller-blind eyes
With your empty smile and your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters as the cockle-shell shatters
And the hammers batter down your door
You better run
I've got all weekend. I've got all their food and all their knives and all his belts.
It's their turn to hurt.
You'd better make your face up in your favorite disguise
With your button-down lips and your roller-blind eyes
With your empty smile and your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters as the cockle-shell shatters
And the hammers batter down your door
You better run
In The Flesh
It didn't work. I knew it wouldn't, but I tried it anyway.
I set up a video camera in the bedroom before last time. A tiny little one. NannyCam or something like that, I don't know the name. I sent the tape to Social Services. The same guy that always showed up came to the door. The Worms were in his skin, too. And the puppet girl was standing behind him, grinning at me and holding the Worms and making him dance. He didn't talk. She did.
Her voice sounded like Eleanor's.
She said that if I ever tried something like this again, she'd have Bill take me back up to the bedroom and not let me out for two weeks. And she'd come to visit me personally instead of just letting Bill do it. She said I still had work to do before she let me leave here. She said she wasn't done having fun with me yet, and neither were her friends. She said I still had some work to do before I was ready.
And then she left.
I don't know if she's real or not. But I'm not going to let her win. I'm not going to let Bill do anything else to me. I'm ready. I've tried everything else.
So you
Thought you
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm confusion
That space-cadet glow
Well, I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
Pink isn't well
He stayed back at the hotel
And they sent us along as a surrogate band
We're gonna find out where you fans really stand
I set up a video camera in the bedroom before last time. A tiny little one. NannyCam or something like that, I don't know the name. I sent the tape to Social Services. The same guy that always showed up came to the door. The Worms were in his skin, too. And the puppet girl was standing behind him, grinning at me and holding the Worms and making him dance. He didn't talk. She did.
Her voice sounded like Eleanor's.
She said that if I ever tried something like this again, she'd have Bill take me back up to the bedroom and not let me out for two weeks. And she'd come to visit me personally instead of just letting Bill do it. She said I still had work to do before she let me leave here. She said she wasn't done having fun with me yet, and neither were her friends. She said I still had some work to do before I was ready.
And then she left.
I don't know if she's real or not. But I'm not going to let her win. I'm not going to let Bill do anything else to me. I'm ready. I've tried everything else.
So you
Thought you
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm confusion
That space-cadet glow
Well, I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
Pink isn't well
He stayed back at the hotel
And they sent us along as a surrogate band
We're gonna find out where you fans really stand
Comfortably Numb
I'm okay. I'm okay. I haven't done anything to get them angry at me for the past few days. I've gotten to sleep. I'm lucid. I can think. I can walk. I'm getting used to the cold. I'm ignoring the Worms. The Worms aren't real. My skin isn't really crawling.
I can keep myself together. They're still hitting me and locking me in the basement and everything, but I can think now. There isn't as much of it. I'm being good. I'm not even getting in trouble at school. I'm gathering my strength. They don't even realize. They think the last time broke me. It didn't.
I've gotten used to it now. I can take whatever they want to throw at me. I can stand anything. Even the hallucinations of the puppet girl and the boy in blue following me, making me dance on the end of the Worm-strings. I know they're not real.
I'm almost ready. I've got one more thing to try before I end this. I don't think it'll work. Nothing else has. But I can take one more failure.
Okay
Just a little pinprick
There'll be no more AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on, it's time to go
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become
Comfortably numb
I can keep myself together. They're still hitting me and locking me in the basement and everything, but I can think now. There isn't as much of it. I'm being good. I'm not even getting in trouble at school. I'm gathering my strength. They don't even realize. They think the last time broke me. It didn't.
I've gotten used to it now. I can take whatever they want to throw at me. I can stand anything. Even the hallucinations of the puppet girl and the boy in blue following me, making me dance on the end of the Worm-strings. I know they're not real.
I'm almost ready. I've got one more thing to try before I end this. I don't think it'll work. Nothing else has. But I can take one more failure.
Okay
Just a little pinprick
There'll be no more AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on, it's time to go
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become
Comfortably numb
Hey You
I was right. It was bad. It was worse than it's ever been before. He didn't let me rest for the entire weekend. He kept me in the bedroom the whole time, and I never had more than an hour or two's rest, and then the worms came out of his skin. I'm so tired. I'm so tired I can't stand it. I know it was a dream. It couldn't have been real.
The bedroom wasn't really so cold that my fingers were blue.
The walls didn't really turn into the white bricks from the album.
Bill didn't
he wasn't a puppet
there was no girl on The Wall making him do those things to me
and there wasn't the kid in blue standing there and watching and laughing
and Eleanor is not my Mother
None of this is real.
But it was only a fantasy
The Wall was too high, as you can see
No matter how he tried, he could not break free
And the Worms ate into his brain
The bedroom wasn't really so cold that my fingers were blue.
The walls didn't really turn into the white bricks from the album.
Bill didn't
he wasn't a puppet
there was no girl on The Wall making him do those things to me
and there wasn't the kid in blue standing there and watching and laughing
and Eleanor is not my Mother
None of this is real.
But it was only a fantasy
The Wall was too high, as you can see
No matter how he tried, he could not break free
And the Worms ate into his brain
Another Brick In The Wall, Part Three
They took me back again. They found me when I tried to run out of the town and they dragged me back and I've been in the bedroom for so long.
But I'm not going to let them hurt me any more. They've done enough. They've cut me off from everyone and they've hurt me over and over, and I kept just trying to ignore it and look for somebody who'd talk to me, but that's not happening. I've been writing this blog and nobody follows it and nobody offers me any comfort. I tried to tear down The Wall but there was nobody on the other side.
So fuck it. I fought back before. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to have to wait. I'm going to have to make them think I'm not going to try it again. And then I'm going to hurt them back, like I did before to Bill only worse. I'm not going to let them hurt me any more. If I'm not going to get any friends, fine. I can at least get a little bit of satisfaction before it's over.
I need to go home and let them do whatever they're going to. I'm too cold and too tired to stay out any longer. I'm seeing the worms under my skin all the time now. Under everybody's skin. I've got to get some sleep.
I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on The Wall
Don't think I need anything at all
No, don't think I need anything at all
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
All in all you were all just bricks in The Wall
But I'm not going to let them hurt me any more. They've done enough. They've cut me off from everyone and they've hurt me over and over, and I kept just trying to ignore it and look for somebody who'd talk to me, but that's not happening. I've been writing this blog and nobody follows it and nobody offers me any comfort. I tried to tear down The Wall but there was nobody on the other side.
So fuck it. I fought back before. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to have to wait. I'm going to have to make them think I'm not going to try it again. And then I'm going to hurt them back, like I did before to Bill only worse. I'm not going to let them hurt me any more. If I'm not going to get any friends, fine. I can at least get a little bit of satisfaction before it's over.
I need to go home and let them do whatever they're going to. I'm too cold and too tired to stay out any longer. I'm seeing the worms under my skin all the time now. Under everybody's skin. I've got to get some sleep.
I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on The Wall
Don't think I need anything at all
No, don't think I need anything at all
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
All in all you were all just bricks in The Wall
One Of My Turns
I fought back, today.
I knew Bill was going to try and lock me in the bedroom again. I kicked him in the balls and then I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the leg when he tried to grab me. I wish I could have hit him somewhere else. The crotch would have been satisfying but really I would have liked to hit him in the chest. I wish I had killed him, because all what I did get was a scream from Ellen and the chance to run outside and now I've got nowhere to go.
The cops are after me again. I don't know what to do. They'll take me back there. I know they will. Even if they shouldn't, it's what they do every time. No matter how bad it gets, they never listen.
And I think I'm going crazy. I haven't gotten the chance to sleep, really, really sleep, for days. And I'm trying so hard to not fall asleep now, because I don't want them to find me here. This is all I've got, even if nobody reads it. But I've got to sleep some time soon, because I'm starting to hallucinate. I saw the worms again, under Bill and Ellen's skin. And under mine, when I picked up the knife.
And it's even worse because when I ran outside I still had the knife with me, and there was the kid, outside on the sidewalk, and for a second I was happy because here was somebody who would at least smile at me. But then he ran away. He gave me this look like he knew what he was doing too when he did it, like he knew I needed somebody to talk to but he wouldn't do it.
I'm so cold and I've got no one.
I feel cold as a razor blade
Tight as a tourniquet
Dry as a funeral drum
Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase
One of my bad days
Would you like to watch TV
Or get between the sheets
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would you - would you like to see me try?
Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?
I knew Bill was going to try and lock me in the bedroom again. I kicked him in the balls and then I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the leg when he tried to grab me. I wish I could have hit him somewhere else. The crotch would have been satisfying but really I would have liked to hit him in the chest. I wish I had killed him, because all what I did get was a scream from Ellen and the chance to run outside and now I've got nowhere to go.
The cops are after me again. I don't know what to do. They'll take me back there. I know they will. Even if they shouldn't, it's what they do every time. No matter how bad it gets, they never listen.
And I think I'm going crazy. I haven't gotten the chance to sleep, really, really sleep, for days. And I'm trying so hard to not fall asleep now, because I don't want them to find me here. This is all I've got, even if nobody reads it. But I've got to sleep some time soon, because I'm starting to hallucinate. I saw the worms again, under Bill and Ellen's skin. And under mine, when I picked up the knife.
And it's even worse because when I ran outside I still had the knife with me, and there was the kid, outside on the sidewalk, and for a second I was happy because here was somebody who would at least smile at me. But then he ran away. He gave me this look like he knew what he was doing too when he did it, like he knew I needed somebody to talk to but he wouldn't do it.
I'm so cold and I've got no one.
I feel cold as a razor blade
Tight as a tourniquet
Dry as a funeral drum
Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase
One of my bad days
Would you like to watch TV
Or get between the sheets
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would you - would you like to see me try?
Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?
Mother
I fell asleep in class again today, and Mr. Evans sent me home. I'm suspended now, because apparently falling asleep in class is suspension-worthy. That means I'm trapped at home most of the time. And Ellen came to pick me up from school.
I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate Bill. Or more. I don't know. At least Bill doesn't try to pretend that what he does is supposed to help me. He just enjoys it. Ellen heaps all the blame on me and says Bill is just trying to straighten me out and help me get my life in order.
I used to ask her how locking me in the basement for three days without any light or heat or anything is supposed to help me. I asked about the other stuff too. I gave up around the third time she said that I just had to understand that Bill was only doing what he thinks is right. It's bullshit.
Go fuck yourself, Ellen. I got out and I ran and you'll have to drag me back if you want to lock me up again, because I'm not waiting for Bill to get there.
...I've got to leave the library again. I can't spend too much time here. They've called the cops again. It's going to be even worse this time.
Hush now, baby, baby
Don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you right here
Under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Mama's gonna keep baby cozy and warm
I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate Bill. Or more. I don't know. At least Bill doesn't try to pretend that what he does is supposed to help me. He just enjoys it. Ellen heaps all the blame on me and says Bill is just trying to straighten me out and help me get my life in order.
I used to ask her how locking me in the basement for three days without any light or heat or anything is supposed to help me. I asked about the other stuff too. I gave up around the third time she said that I just had to understand that Bill was only doing what he thinks is right. It's bullshit.
Go fuck yourself, Ellen. I got out and I ran and you'll have to drag me back if you want to lock me up again, because I'm not waiting for Bill to get there.
...I've got to leave the library again. I can't spend too much time here. They've called the cops again. It's going to be even worse this time.
Hush now, baby, baby
Don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you right here
Under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Mama's gonna keep baby cozy and warm
Another Brick In The Wall, Part Two
Everything hurts. I can't walk straight. I can't type as fast as I normally do. And I'm tired. I'm so tired. And it's freezing here and my jacket's gone.
They didn't let me out for the entire weekend. They kept me up in the bedroom for the entire time. I wish it had been the basement. The basement hurts and it's cold but at least I can relax a little in there because I know they're going to leave me alone. I never know when Bill is going to show up when I'm in the bedroom, or what he's going to do next.
But I had to go back to school on Monday anyway, where I fell asleep in class and woke up to Mr. Evans screaming again. It was worse than normal because I didn't really wake up first. It just went into one of those lucid dreams where you know it's a dream but you're not really awake yet, and Mr. Evans was the Schoolmaster again. And all the rest of the kids had the worms coming out of their skin, too.
After I got out of detention, though, I saw the little kid in the blue shirt outside the library. He smiled at me. And I smiled back. I felt like he knew what had happened and how I felt.
I think... I've got a friend.
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher, leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
All in all you were all just bricks in The Wall
They didn't let me out for the entire weekend. They kept me up in the bedroom for the entire time. I wish it had been the basement. The basement hurts and it's cold but at least I can relax a little in there because I know they're going to leave me alone. I never know when Bill is going to show up when I'm in the bedroom, or what he's going to do next.
But I had to go back to school on Monday anyway, where I fell asleep in class and woke up to Mr. Evans screaming again. It was worse than normal because I didn't really wake up first. It just went into one of those lucid dreams where you know it's a dream but you're not really awake yet, and Mr. Evans was the Schoolmaster again. And all the rest of the kids had the worms coming out of their skin, too.
After I got out of detention, though, I saw the little kid in the blue shirt outside the library. He smiled at me. And I smiled back. I felt like he knew what had happened and how I felt.
I think... I've got a friend.
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher, leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
All in all you were all just bricks in The Wall
The Happiest Days Of Our Lives
I didn't go home last night. I didn't get any sleep. I was just walking around. And I skipped school today, too, because I know they'll send me home. I'm hiding out in the library again. Nobody knows I come here. It's not a popular place, and I can use one of the corner booths.
I fell asleep here, though, and I had a dream that I was back in school. Only Mr. Evans was looking weird, like he had all these things crawling around under his skin, long thin wormy things. And when he was giving the lesson, they popped out, one by one, and they were all little fleshy strands and they turned into marionette handles. He was a puppet, and there was another puppet - like, an actual puppet, only it had been carved to look like Ellen - standing in the corner and pulling the strings, and made him dance, and Mr. Evans turned into the schoolmaster from The Wall.
You! Yes, you! Stand still, laddie!
When we were young and went to school
There were certain teachers who would hurt the children any way they could
By pouring their derision upon anything we did
Exposing every weakness, however carefully hidden by the kids
But in our town it was well known when they got home at night
Their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them within inches of their lives
I fell asleep here, though, and I had a dream that I was back in school. Only Mr. Evans was looking weird, like he had all these things crawling around under his skin, long thin wormy things. And when he was giving the lesson, they popped out, one by one, and they were all little fleshy strands and they turned into marionette handles. He was a puppet, and there was another puppet - like, an actual puppet, only it had been carved to look like Ellen - standing in the corner and pulling the strings, and made him dance, and Mr. Evans turned into the schoolmaster from The Wall.
And even though it was still Mr. Evans doing all this stuff, shouting at me and telling me how wrong I was about everything like he always was, I knew the puppet lady was helping him along, or maybe she was controlling him, or maybe it was just... I don't know, I'm tired. And when I looked down at my own skin, there were little string things crawling around in there too.
...I've got to go home. I don't want to, but they'll have called the police by now and if I'm in the library when they find me they'll know what I've been doing. It's going to be bad either way. Really bad. I've never stayed away for this long before. Bill... I'm going to be spending a long time in the basement, I think, or up in the bedroom. But at least if I go home now when they don't know where I've been I'll still be able to use this blog later, when they let me out again.
You! Yes, you! Stand still, laddie!
When we were young and went to school
There were certain teachers who would hurt the children any way they could
By pouring their derision upon anything we did
Exposing every weakness, however carefully hidden by the kids
But in our town it was well known when they got home at night
Their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them within inches of their lives
Another Brick In The Wall, Part One
Today's my birthday. Hoo fucking ray.
I'm not going back to their house today. That's my present to myself. Bill can do without his favorite punching bag for the day and I'm not going to deal with Ellen's shit and I'm not going to try and sleep on that bed like I don't remember what they did to me in that room and I'm not going to have to walk past that fucking door. I'm going to sit in this library until closing time and then I am going to go out and just walk around all night and then I'm going to school.
I'm not going to spend my fourteenth birthday like I've spent every other day.
Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snapshot in the family album
Daddy, what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd you leave behind for me?
All in all it was just a brick in The Wall
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
I'm not going back to their house today. That's my present to myself. Bill can do without his favorite punching bag for the day and I'm not going to deal with Ellen's shit and I'm not going to try and sleep on that bed like I don't remember what they did to me in that room and I'm not going to have to walk past that fucking door. I'm going to sit in this library until closing time and then I am going to go out and just walk around all night and then I'm going to school.
I'm not going to spend my fourteenth birthday like I've spent every other day.
Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snapshot in the family album
Daddy, what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd you leave behind for me?
All in all it was just a brick in The Wall
All in all it was all just bricks in The Wall
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Thin Ice
It's always cold in this town. It never really gets warm, even in the summer. It stops getting chilly, but you can still wear a jacket comfortably, and most people do. Frost happens pretty early on in the fall, too.
Except this one kid that I see around here sometimes. He doesn't go to school. He's just this little kid, I dunno how old, who wanders around in a blue shirt and jeans and never wears a coat no matter how cold it gets.
I saw him earlier today. I've thought about talking to him before, but I never have. I don't really talk to anybody. I've learned to stop trying, after the way all the rest of it turned out. All it does is set me up for people to turn on me later. Sometimes it's my parents lying to them about me. Other times they just... stop talking. I dunno why.
But I kind of feel like I'm friends with this kid anyway. Like he's the one person here who actually notices me, and doesn't hate me. He smiles at me when he sees me. He's younger than I am, but I feel like he sees things and he understands and he doesn't hate me for it. That's nice, kind of.
But I still kind of want someone who'll actually talk to me. And he never talks. That's why I'm here. Because nobody will. Not about just normal things. They always try and "fix" me. I don't want to be fixed like that. I just want somebody to talk to. They say I need to fix the big problems first, but I feel like the problems would... kind of fix themselves, I guess. If I just felt like I could talk to someone.
Mama loves you, baby
And Daddy loves you, too
And the sea may look warm to you, baby
And the sky may look blue
Ooh, babe
If you should go skating on the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet
You'll slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fears flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice
Except this one kid that I see around here sometimes. He doesn't go to school. He's just this little kid, I dunno how old, who wanders around in a blue shirt and jeans and never wears a coat no matter how cold it gets.
I saw him earlier today. I've thought about talking to him before, but I never have. I don't really talk to anybody. I've learned to stop trying, after the way all the rest of it turned out. All it does is set me up for people to turn on me later. Sometimes it's my parents lying to them about me. Other times they just... stop talking. I dunno why.
But I kind of feel like I'm friends with this kid anyway. Like he's the one person here who actually notices me, and doesn't hate me. He smiles at me when he sees me. He's younger than I am, but I feel like he sees things and he understands and he doesn't hate me for it. That's nice, kind of.
But I still kind of want someone who'll actually talk to me. And he never talks. That's why I'm here. Because nobody will. Not about just normal things. They always try and "fix" me. I don't want to be fixed like that. I just want somebody to talk to. They say I need to fix the big problems first, but I feel like the problems would... kind of fix themselves, I guess. If I just felt like I could talk to someone.
Mama loves you, baby
And Daddy loves you, too
And the sea may look warm to you, baby
And the sky may look blue
Ooh, babe
If you should go skating on the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet
You'll slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fears flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice
In The Flesh?
I'm not going to give my name. I'm doing this from the public library for a reason. I can't let them find out that I'm running this blog. I'm not supposed to talk to anyone that they haven't pre-approved. That's why I don't have any friends. Or it's part of the reason, anyway. I can't pretend that being an outed atheist at a Catholic school has helped.
I'm just going to say it. My parents are abusive and social services won't help. I don't know why. I've called them twice. Both times the guy just came up to the door, nodded at them, and walked off. Nobody listens anywhere else, either, because they're smart enough not to leave bruises or cuts.
So I'm alone, in the house where it's always bad and the school where it's even worse because there's crowds of people there who won't talk to me.
And that's... pretty much it, I guess. I don't want to say any more. Not right now. So... just... lyrics. Because why not.
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the warm confusion
That space-cadet glow
Tell me, is something eluding you, Sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Is There Anybody Out There?
Okay yes, it's pretentious and stupid to have everything here be based around The Wall. But I've got a reason.
That album is pretty much the only bright spot in my life right now. I'm alone. As alone as it's possible to be. And listening to that album is like hearing that somebody else went through the same thing, and knows what it feels like... and they got out eventually.
Because they did. I know everybody says the ending of the album is supposed to be ambiguous, but you know what, fuck them. Pink got his happy ending. There were people waiting for him when The Wall came down. That's what I choose to believe.
All alone, in ones and twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down
Outside The Wall
Some hand in hand
Others gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists
Make their stand
See? There were people waiting for him. Even when he couldn't see them, they were always trying.
So... that's why I'm here. I'm trying to tear down The Wall. I want a little bit of human contact that I can stand. I don't want to be alone any more.
Is there anybody out there?
That album is pretty much the only bright spot in my life right now. I'm alone. As alone as it's possible to be. And listening to that album is like hearing that somebody else went through the same thing, and knows what it feels like... and they got out eventually.
Because they did. I know everybody says the ending of the album is supposed to be ambiguous, but you know what, fuck them. Pink got his happy ending. There were people waiting for him when The Wall came down. That's what I choose to believe.
All alone, in ones and twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down
Outside The Wall
Some hand in hand
Others gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists
Make their stand
See? There were people waiting for him. Even when he couldn't see them, they were always trying.
So... that's why I'm here. I'm trying to tear down The Wall. I want a little bit of human contact that I can stand. I don't want to be alone any more.
Is there anybody out there?
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